Saintless

So, I suppose it’s a good sign that my 1 month anniversary of non-smoking came and went, and I forgot about it? I’m 2 days past, now. (Really only 1, but it IS past midnight, so I suppose technically, I’m on the 2nd day of the 2nd month)

Of course, spending 3 days in the hospital with my son kind of made the whole issue seem so minor. I did have a happy dance or two while we were in the hospital that I wasn’t feeling the need to go find a smoking area. But, I can’t tell you when the last time I had a craving was.

I’ve lived through 2 weeks of hell. I’ve hinted at the first one, and those of you who know me well will know what that means. It’s the worst hell a mother can live through.

This second week was stressful, but not the worst thing ever. Drake, my 11 (almost 12!) year old required some medical intervention for his bowel issues (“GoLightly” (aka colonoscopy cleanout, minus the colonoscopy) and enemas, if you must know). I knew from the start that this wasn’t anything life threatening, or something to be scared of. So, although I spent 3 days in Primary Children’s Hospital with him, it was not the worst thing (or even close) that a mother can go through. Although this procedure is typically 24 hours, and the docs said at the max it would be 48 hours, and it took a 3rd day to complete, I was never scared of losing my son, or anything like that. I simply had to wait it out. And I was lucky that I have great insurance, and a very understanding employer. So, I was able to spend the 3 days with Drake, and we got through it.

Not that I can say it wasn’t stressful. Feeling sympathy when Drake had the NG Tube down his throat into his stomach, and was in tears telling me how bad it was was stressful. Sleeping on the parent’s bed in his room, and having nightmares such as that I had a cigarette and was really pissed because I had denied myself that 1 month mark and was so close, only to wake up still pissed at myself and take 30 minutes to realize it was a dream – that was stressful.

Not that I’m complaining. I really am not. But, I will say that my brain is NOT all there. Oh right – back story.

So, Wednesday, I decided I needed clean clothes. So, one of my neighbors came down to sit with Drake while I ran home to pack a bag. Yes, I packed everything Drake could possibly want or need in the hospital, but I didn’t even get my own toothbrush. Anyway, my Jeep began the Death Wobble as I neared my exit going home. Going over about 35 MPH seemed to be the trigger. So, I parked it, and called a friend for a ride back to the hospital.

After we got home Thursday, I checked to see if perhaps the Sway Bar Quick Disconnects had snapped, which was the cause of the last Death Wobble my Jeep had, but that wasn’t the case. So, I called a friend who is my Jeep Expert, and he came to look. We were having the discussion that I needed to have TeraFlex do an alignment and see if they could see anything else wrong. And I said, Ok, I’ll call and make the appointment with TeraFlex. I pulled out my phone, hit “Contacts”, and then couldn’t figure out who I was supposed to be calling, and had to ask my friend again. That’s how brain dead I’ve been. This is only one example. I swear, I’ve had a stroke, and that stroke stole all of my nouns. Anyway….

Eric's "Hospital Buddy" and Drake's "Hospital Buddy". Drake later got to give his an IV.

So, Thursday Drake came home from the hospital. Thursday was the last day of my 1st non-smoking month. In fact, it was between 9 and 10 pm that it became 1 month. But, I completely forgot. And in retrospect, that kind of rocks. I could blame it on stress from my son’s hospitalization, but you know what? If anything, the fact that I got through the first hospitalization either of my babies have ever had, and didn’t even think about a smoke – that rocks.

I’m done.

I have a bit of worry – perhaps cautiousness is a better word – for when I hit 6 months on Chantix. That’s when this wonderful miracle pill goes away. But, it’s only being cautious. I don’t have doubts. I’m done smoking.

Oh, right, so I should vent here too, huh? Ok, so the Jeep got an alignment, but there’s a bushing that needs to be replaced. My Jeep Buddy is going to help me do that. The ex-husband (ahhh-asshat-choo) was “too busy” to bring me my other son (Preston) (regardless of me having spent 3 days in the hospital with Drake because the ex didn’t give him MiraLax as per doctor’s instructions, and my Jeep breaking down and my bathroom exploding, all at once), so I had to borrow a ride from a friend to go get him. The ex-husband also apparently decided to share his version of our divorce story with Preston, and it took everything I had to just tell Preston that not everything he’d been told was true, and no tell Preston all the things his father did during that time. And my main bathroom sprung a leak, and the whole subflooring is soaked. Thankfully I’m renting, so the landlord has to get it fixed, but the plumber she chose has already “fixed” this twice, so I don’t have high hopes. And he tried to give me a guilt trip about showing up on a weekend. He’s a M-F 9-5 plumber, from what I gather. Poor man.

Drake and Eric showing off their "Hospital Buddies"

Thankfully, I have really great friends, who are my family and my support, who helped me when I needed it this week. As irritated as I am at my kids’ dad, overall, I’m grateful that I have so many wonderful people who love me and love my boys, and life really is great. And I want to give special mention to Eric, who came down to see Drake every day at the hospital, and provided entertainment including Mr. Bean, and is just an all around wonderful human being.

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: Happy thought of the day: I have really great and wonderful and awesome and fantastic and fabulous and amazing and super-duper friends.

Tags: Chantix

Here is the video for my Ignite 4 presentation, I’m a Coder and You Can Too:

The other presentations are up, too. I highly recommend that you watch the Mobile App Dev RAP BATTLE, I’m Not a Mexican: Enchiladas, 5 de Mayo, and other stuff I wouldn’t know about, Wasatch Roller Derby, and Life is Tweet. The zombie ones were great, too. Ok, fine, they were pretty much all great, so just watch them all!

Tags: Ignite Salt Lake

I just read the latest article about how Senator Garn went naked hottubbing with a 15 year old girl when he was 30. This article didn’t trivialize Cheryl Maher’s experience as much as most of the others have. But, it did make me realize that I really need to say something about all of this, and talk about a similar experience I had.

I was 13 when I went to work for a family friend. I worked for him for 3 years. He was also an elder in our congregation. We were Jehovah’s Witnesses, and that’s pretty much the highest position you can hold on a local level. Except he was also “anointed”, which to them means that he’s one of the special group of 144,000 people that actually get to go to heaven and rule – the rest of us just stay here on earth.

I explain all of that to show what sort of position of power and trust he was in for me.

At first, some of the touches and hugs and caresses could be seen as grandfatherly. I can remember sitting in his lap more than once. The worst thing I can remember him doing is coming up behind me while I was standing at the counter and wrapping his arms around me. He pressed up against me from behind, and I could feel things that no 14 year old girl should feel from a ~60 year old  man. This was a common occurance by the time I was 14, and by the time I was 15, I was so uncomfortable with it that I avoided him as much as possible. I don’t want to delve too deeply into such a personal and horrifying topic here in a public setting. Suffice it to say that this wasn’t the only thing going on, but at least everything that happened, did happen with clothes on.

Here’s the thing though – I didn’t realize that what he was doing was wrong. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought I was being sexual and sinful, and that I was dirty and that God would be mad at me.

One day, a woman (also Jehovah’s Witness) who had recently come to work there took me aside and asked me about it. I can’t tell you the relief I felt at finally talking to someone, and hearing that he was wrong, not me.

I took the matter to the elders of the congregation, told my mother, and told the man’s wife. The elders told me that they didn’t have anything to go on, which really trivialized my experience, and told me that what he had done was ok. My mother talked to the man’s wife, and reported back to me that the man was impotent, so there’s no way he could have done those things.

I quit talking or thinking about any of this after that. I, of course, quit working for him, I think just after I turned 16. My life has taken me many different places since then. I’m 33 years old. I’ve dealt with what that man did, as well as other worse things that happened to me when I was 3 – 6 years old. I’ve accepted that they’ve happened. Rarely, I feel a need to cry, to let the poison of the events out. Mostly now, when I think about it, I think back to the things that happened when I was really little, and realize that I couldn’t have stopped those things – I was way too little. But, I also think about what my boss as a teenager did, and even though I know on a logical level that those things weren’t my fault, I can’t help but feel guilt.

And so, what I needed to say is this: Hearing people talk about Garn and Maher, and reading the articles, I think that people are assuming that Maher was some little tramp that got what she deserved. And that horrifies me! Maher was a 15 year old girl who trusted this man who was a religious leader and employer – both positions of power. Even if she was a troubled girl, she was still a girl. Garn is guilty of molesting a child. And anyone who even wonders if Maher asked for it should be ashamed of themselves.

The paths that molested and abused children lead in life are often a result of the trauma they experienced, and some are able to get just the right help at just the right time, and lead normal, productive lives. Others aren’t so lucky. I can only imagine that Maher has wanted to get past this, and tried everything she knew of. My hope for her is that making this public will have a healing effect on her, and she can get past the troubles she’s had in her life, and not live the rest of her life trapped by events from 25 years ago.

And just one more thing – Kevin Garn is a sick and disgusting man. Ok, maybe two: I agree with Holly on the Hill that Speaker Clark needs to resign.

Tags: abuse, Cheryl Maher, child abuse, Kevin Garn, molestation

See, Jeff Bell, right?

I think I’m going to miss blogging about not smoking. It was kind of nice to vent here about all the little things that may or may not have been related to not smoking, like stresses and such. I’ve reached 3 full weeks without a cigarette. Wowsers! I’m pretty happy about that. I’m only a little surprised that this week didn’t make me break down and have one. As my roommate, Jill, said though – it would probably taste even nastier than I remember!

As I said last time – I was facing two big fears. The second one seems like cake after this week. The first one has been extremely trying, and sometimes I was ecstatic from thinking the worst was over and I’d accomplished what I needed to, but mostly it was stress and lots of driving and trying the next thing on the list to fix the problem. This whole week has been a blur, and I’m not really sure which way is up. I keep forgetting that I worked a whole day on Monday – it seems like my week started with Tuesday’s events. I have had a lot of support from friends, though. I can’t even begin to express my appreciation for my surrogate family here in Utah. Last night, Eric brought over Zombieland to get my mind off of things. I think those laughs were the first ones all week that didn’t verge on hysterical laughter (not counting Monday, of course – that was a lifetime ago, and certain wasn’t THIS week). Loved the movie! (Still not letting my children watch it, though!) (Also, Woody Harrelson really reminded me of JM Bell, especially at the beginning of Zombieland, in the truck) (Also – I’ve got more parenthesis than The Daily Blarg)

I’m looking forward to that 30 day mark – a whole month without a cigarette has been my target, and it’s going to be a great day! I doubt I’ll blog about not smoking again before then. It seems kind of pointless, because at this point, not even stress seems to be making me want to cave. I kind of think that each individual emotion on the scale of emotions had to be faced without a cigarette, and I suppose that maybe there are some to left to be experienced without a cigarette. But, this week’s highs and lows and fears seemed to have run the gamut, so I’m probably safe. I do kind of feel the need to shout from the rooftops what an amazing thing Chantix is, but I think I’ve already said so a few times here, so that would get repetitive.

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: I probably got a lot more respect from the people I had to deal with this week than I would have if I smelled like stale smoke.

Tags: Chantix

I’ll be doing a follow up on Radio Active tomorrow (Tuesday, March 9) for the Legislative Midterms. I believe Curtis Haring and Glen Brown will be there, as well. Listen in to KRCL 90.9, call in with questions or comments, or volunteer  for the Radiothon! My friend Deb Henry, the volunteer coordinator at KRCL, tells me they really need help with answering phones!

Tags: KRCL, RadioActive

Day 17 isn’t a very big milestone. In fact, when I told someone earlier that I hadn’t smoked in over 2 weeks, that felt a little silly. I mean – it’s just two weeks, right? But then, I thought back to a conversation I had last night, where I told someone about my prior smoking habits. I am the person that gets asthma and bronchitis, and still faithfully treks outdoors to have a smoke at the appointed time. I am the person who had surgery once, and the nurses agreed that I could go smoke about an hour after waking up, while I was very much hopped up on morphine, so I had my husband (at the time) wheel me outside, where I took a drag, and promptly puked all over the sidewalk. I then rinsed my mouth and finished the cigarette. I’m the one that if I have $10 to my name, and I buy 2 packs of smokes and whatever’s left goes to ramen noodles. I’ve always been a very determined smoker.

Going 2 hours without a cigarette was a very annoying inconvenience, and once it was up to 3 hours, I was more than a little pissy. So – yeah – going 2 weeks without a cigarette is one helluva milestone for me. I can’t wait to see how good I feel about going a month, or 6 months or a year. Those lengths of time don’t seem quite as impossible right now as they did even a week ago.

So, I’ve been telling myself that if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. And tomorrow I’m going to face my two biggest fears, obstacles, hurdles…goals. One of them is something that just happened that I’m afraid of because if I don’t handle it right, there’s a lot that can go wrong. But, it can’t be put off, nor would I be able to live with myself if I did. The Other Issue is something I’ve been putting off for years, but once I face It, and get a handle on It, I will be on top of the world. I am going to face the Big, Bad Monster, and It’s not going to eat me alive if I stop ignoring It’s existence. I’ve tried 2 or 3 times before, but then I procrastinate actually DOING anything. This time I’m taking a different approach, and I know I can do it, in fact my very first step will get the ball rolling so fast, I won’t be able to procrastinate or ignore It again. And I have a friend waiting for my call if things get too scary.

I don’t want to talk about the details of these things publicly, at least not until they’re in the past (or maybe when I write a tell all book about myself). But, I wanted to talk about them at least a little, because I think that quitting smoking has given me an ability to face my fears that I didn’t have before. When facing this Second Monster in the past, or even thinking about It, I would run and smoke at least 10 cigarettes, and have panic attacks and generally be a miserable mess in a fetal position that couldn’t stand herself for being so weak. This time, it will be different. And once it’s taken care of, not only will my stress levels be lower, but I’ll have a huge accomplishment to be proud of AND I will be much closer to other goals I have in life.

I will admit to something else though – something deep inside of me is afraid that if I have all my shit together – smoking, money, life, mental health, kids, work, etc, etc – something is going to go really wrong. Not everything in life can be perfect all at once. (I didn’t say it was rational.)

So, enough with being cryptic.

I feel a bit silly posting every few days about not smoking, still. But, I think that it’s still helping me, and it’s therapeutic. I suppose I could leave this for my diary, but I have this secret hope that someone else out there is ready to quit smoking, and that maybe telling my story might give them that little push that they need. And if not, then at the very least, I’m making this public for myself, because it makes me feel just a little more accountable than if I didn’t. But, I really don’t like that my blog seems to be so centered around this, as of late. I guess maybe I can only fight one demon at a time, and right now the smoking demon is more important than the political one. Have no fear – I have found that I can’t avoid obsessing about politics for long. And primary season is just around the corner!

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: being broke sucks bad enough without trying to find the money for cigarettes, too. (Also, I was able to do a whole lot more chores around the house this weekend than I normally do, and to be honest, the quality time with the kids was probably a lot more than normal, too. So, overall, I’m probably coming out ahead on stress because I’m not smoking.)

Tags: Chantix, goals

I feel like I should have a special celebration. I actually made it two weeks.

Although a couple of nights ago, I almost caved. To put it in perspective though – I was in a LOT of pain. I’m fairly certain I had a kidney stone. It was the 3rd day of pain, and I won’t go into gory details, but it was very reminiscent of the kidney stone I had last fall. I was “this close” to going to the hospital, but I was waiting for the pain to get just a tiny bit worse, and that never happened. I did cave – Wednesday night – and took a pain pill that I had left from when I hurt my ankle last Thanksgiving. I had one of my BFFs over for dinner, and we had wine with dinner. Of course, mixing pain pills and alcohol is a bad idea, but when you are in that much pain, it doesn’t really matter. Anyway – I tweeted about how badly I was wanting a smoke, and one of my other close friends, who happens to be an ex-smoker, called me. It helped. As did all of the replies and direct messages I got on Twitter. I made it through. And so yesterday was the end of my 2nd week without a cigarette.

I didn’t even think about a smoke last night – and there were plenty of triggers. Public speaking is a bit nerve-wracking, I walked by someone smoking after it was over on my way to meet friends at The Bayou, and – not a single thought about it. I didn’t crave one, I didn’t think about how close I was to a pack (in the console of my Jeep still), nothing. How great is that?

Oddly enough, as I was getting ready for my Ignite presentation, I realized that it was almost 2 weeks to the hour since I’d had my last smoke. So, that’s how I was introduced – which felt pretty good. I think my talk was a success. A friend of mine (SEOBySwaby) put it on YouTube for me, and I watched it with Preston a little bit ago. He wasn’t very impressed, but I think that was because he was very extremely bored. Or at least that’s what he’s been telling me all evening. Anyway, apparently someone was impressed, because I got invited to another speaking engagement because of it. I’ll post more if/when that pans out, but that was pretty exciting to get asked!

I am kind of surprised that the last time I posted was 4 days ago, but I guess that makes sense, since I was pretty pouty and didn’t feel good because of the kidney stone. Oh, I guess I should mention – it seems to have passed, and the pain is gone. Yay! Anyway, here’s my Ignite Presentation. I’ll post the official one when I get it (sometime next week), but this one is a pretty damn decent version, if you ask me.

Once the videos are posted, I’ll link to them all. But, just a few shout outs – I couldn’t believe that Deb Henry made traffic an interesting subject. Seriously. Dude. Jessica Watts (warning: loud web site) made me determined not to put off going to my first roller derby game any longer. Jessica Petersen & Marci Vasic did a great job talking about a subject close to my heart – Life is Tweet. :) I really enjoyed just about every presentation (even Jeremy Hanks, who made me cringe with horrifying photos!), so it’s hard to find balance between mentioning them all here, and just picking a few. So, I’ll end with this one - Matthias Shapiro & Jason Alderman had me laughing so hard with their Mobile Dev Rap Battle! (oooh! that’s on YouTube too!) I can’t wait to post these!

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: It’s freaking cold outside, and I barely notice!

Tags: Chantix, Ignite Salt Lake

Tomorrow morning (Wednesday 3/3/10) at 7:30 am, the Senate Education Committee will consider HB 150. That’s the one where the 4th Amendment goes flying out the window, and the Attorney General can skip getting a warrant from a judge in order to get your ISP or cell phone provider to hand over protected information about you.

Please consider writing to the members of the committee listed below ASAP about why this is wrong. It would be easiest to stop if we can keep it from getting out of committee. If you need a review about why this is so bad, check out Pete Ashdown’s flier against HB 150.

Sen. Curtis S. Bramble, Chair
cbramble@utahsenate.org
Home: (801) 226-3663
Fax:    (801) 812-8297
Cell:    (801) 361-5802

Sen. Margaret Dayton
mdayton@utahsenate.org
Home: (801) 221-0623
Fax:    (801) 221-2513

Sen. Brent H. Goodfellow
bgoodfellow@utahsenate.org
Home: (801) 968-0626
Cell:    (801) 556-4871

Sen. Lyle W. Hillyard
lhillyard@utahsenate.org
Home: (435) 753-0043
Office: (435) 752-2610
Fax:    (435) 753-8895

Sen. Scott K. Jenkins
sjenkins@utahsenate.org
Home: (801) 731-5120
Office: (801) 621-5412

Sen. Karen W. Morgan
kmorgan@utahsenate.org
Home: (801) 943-0067
Fax:    (801) 943-9614
Office: (801) 538-1406

Sen. Howard A. Stephenson
hstephenson@utahsenate.org
Home: (801) 576-1022
Office: (801) 972-8814

Tags: HB 150, Senate Education Committee

HB 12 is  bill that is supposed to allow a women to be charged with criminal homicide for obtaining an illegal abortion or inducing a miscarriage, whether intentionally or through “reckless” behavior. It was introduced in response to a young woman in Utah who got someone to beat her up, so she would have a miscarriage. But, the motivations behind it may not be as pure.

But, what is “reckless” behavior? Is it not wearing a seatbelt, and getting into an accident? Is it drinking alcohol, and the baby is stillborn? Is it staying with an abusive partner and having miscarriage after getting the crap beat out of her? Is it going mountain climbing, and taking a fall that results in a miscarriage?

I’ve heard some argue that “no one is going to do  that”. But, the fact that it could happen is a scary thing. If this bill is signed into law, and some one in a position to decide makes a claim that a woman who has suffered a miscarriage is guilty of criminal homicide, it doesn’t matter whether a judge and jury find her not guilty. Any woman who has gone through a miscarriage knows the pain.

I had a miscarriage long ago. The pain is long gone. It was before having my two beautiful sons, and it was so many years ago that it feels like a different lifetime. But, when a friend recently went through the trauma, I thought back to what I had felt. And I was mixed up, confused, scared, hurt, and even though it was early in the unplanned pregnancy – I mourned the loss. I cannot comprehend the feelings that a woman who is further into a pregnancy might go through. But, I know that they are devastating.

And if even once, this law were abused, it would be a horrendous thing.

Yes, the woman who had someone beat her up in order to try to cause a miscarriage did a horrible thing. But, do you think that a law against it would have changed anything? I don’t.

This bill creates a law that is ripe for abuse. That alone makes it wrong, but even more, the idea of women’s lives potentially being torn apart for something that is already such a tragedy is something we should not tolerate as a society.

I hope that you’ll write or call Governor Herbert, and ask him not to criminalize miscarriages. You can also sign the Petition at Change.org.

Tags: abortion, Governor Herbert, miscarriage

It’s that time of year, again. Time to vote for your favorite picks for  City Weekly’s “Best of Utah”.

I think this year was my most complete ballot, with 48 responses. These are my two favorite picks:

Best Utah Politician: Peter Corroon

Best Utahn: Sister Dottie S. Dixon

And if you’re stuck on any of the other categories, here are a few of my other choices:

Best Local to Follow on Twitter: @WWJDinSLC (Though, that one was hard!)

Piper Down and Club Jam got a few votes each from me in the Nightlife category

Best Burgers: SmashBurger (of course!)

Best Local Beer: Latter Day Stout – Desert Edge Brewery

And my write ins:

Best Book: Revolutions for Fun and Profit! | Best TV Hair: Ben Winslow

Does anyone else have any favorite responses they’d like to plug?

Tags: Best of Utah, Salt Lake City Weekly