Of course, spending 3 days in the hospital with my son kind of made the whole issue seem so minor. I did have a happy dance or two while we were in the hospital that I wasn’t feeling the need to go find a smoking area. But, I can’t tell you when the last time I had a craving was.

I’ve lived through 2 weeks of hell. I’ve hinted at the first one, and those of you who know me well will know what that means. It’s the worst hell a mother can live through.

This second week was stressful, but not the worst thing ever. Drake, my 11 (almost 12!) year old required some medical intervention for his bowel issues (“GoLightly” (aka colonoscopy cleanout, minus the colonoscopy) and enemas, if you must know). I knew from the start that this wasn’t anything life threatening, or something to be scared of. So, although I spent 3 days in Primary Children’s Hospital with him, it was not the worst thing (or even close) that a mother can go through. Although this procedure is typically 24 hours, and the docs said at the max it would be 48 hours, and it took a 3rd day to complete, I was never scared of losing my son, or anything like that. I simply had to wait it out. And I was lucky that I have great insurance, and a very understanding employer. So, I was able to spend the 3 days with Drake, and we got through it.

Not that I can say it wasn’t stressful. Feeling sympathy when Drake had the NG Tube down his throat into his stomach, and was in tears telling me how bad it was was stressful. Sleeping on the parent’s bed in his room, and having nightmares such as that I had a cigarette and was really pissed because I had denied myself that 1 month mark and was so close, only to wake up still pissed at myself and take 30 minutes to realize it was a dream – that was stressful.

Not that I’m complaining. I really am not. But, I will say that my brain is NOT all there. Oh right – back story.

So, Wednesday, I decided I needed clean clothes. So, one of my neighbors came down to sit with Drake while I ran home to pack a bag. Yes, I packed everything Drake could possibly want or need in the hospital, but I didn’t even get my own toothbrush. Anyway, my Jeep began the Death Wobble as I neared my exit going home. Going over about 35 MPH seemed to be the trigger. So, I parked it, and called a friend for a ride back to the hospital.

After we got home Thursday, I checked to see if perhaps the Sway Bar Quick Disconnects had snapped, which was the cause of the last Death Wobble my Jeep had, but that wasn’t the case. So, I called a friend who is my Jeep Expert, and he came to look. We were having the discussion that I needed to have TeraFlex do an alignment and see if they could see anything else wrong. And I said, Ok, I’ll call and make the appointment with TeraFlex. I pulled out my phone, hit “Contacts”, and then couldn’t figure out who I was supposed to be calling, and had to ask my friend again. That’s how brain dead I’ve been. This is only one example. I swear, I’ve had a stroke, and that stroke stole all of my nouns. Anyway….

Eric's "Hospital Buddy" and Drake's "Hospital Buddy". Drake later got to give his an IV.

So, Thursday Drake came home from the hospital. Thursday was the last day of my 1st non-smoking month. In fact, it was between 9 and 10 pm that it became 1 month. But, I completely forgot. And in retrospect, that kind of rocks. I could blame it on stress from my son’s hospitalization, but you know what? If anything, the fact that I got through the first hospitalization either of my babies have ever had, and didn’t even think about a smoke – that rocks.

I’m done.

I have a bit of worry – perhaps cautiousness is a better word – for when I hit 6 months on Chantix. That’s when this wonderful miracle pill goes away. But, it’s only being cautious. I don’t have doubts. I’m done smoking.

Oh, right, so I should vent here too, huh? Ok, so the Jeep got an alignment, but there’s a bushing that needs to be replaced. My Jeep Buddy is going to help me do that. The ex-husband (ahhh-asshat-choo) was “too busy” to bring me my other son (Preston) (regardless of me having spent 3 days in the hospital with Drake because the ex didn’t give him MiraLax as per doctor’s instructions, and my Jeep breaking down and my bathroom exploding, all at once), so I had to borrow a ride from a friend to go get him. The ex-husband also apparently decided to share his version of our divorce story with Preston, and it took everything I had to just tell Preston that not everything he’d been told was true, and no tell Preston all the things his father did during that time. And my main bathroom sprung a leak, and the whole subflooring is soaked. Thankfully I’m renting, so the landlord has to get it fixed, but the plumber she chose has already “fixed” this twice, so I don’t have high hopes. And he tried to give me a guilt trip about showing up on a weekend. He’s a M-F 9-5 plumber, from what I gather. Poor man.

Drake and Eric showing off their "Hospital Buddies"

Thankfully, I have really great friends, who are my family and my support, who helped me when I needed it this week. As irritated as I am at my kids’ dad, overall, I’m grateful that I have so many wonderful people who love me and love my boys, and life really is great. And I want to give special mention to Eric, who came down to see Drake every day at the hospital, and provided entertainment including Mr. Bean, and is just an all around wonderful human being.

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: Happy thought of the day: I have really great and wonderful and awesome and fantastic and fabulous and amazing and super-duper friends.

I was 13 when I went to work for a family friend. I worked for him for 3 years. He was also an elder in our congregation. We were Jehovah’s Witnesses, and that’s pretty much the highest position you can hold on a local level. Except he was also “anointed”, which to them means that he’s one of the special group of 144,000 people that actually get to go to heaven and rule – the rest of us just stay here on earth.

I explain all of that to show what sort of position of power and trust he was in for me.

At first, some of the touches and hugs and caresses could be seen as grandfatherly. I can remember sitting in his lap more than once. The worst thing I can remember him doing is coming up behind me while I was standing at the counter and wrapping his arms around me. He pressed up against me from behind, and I could feel things that no 14 year old girl should feel from a ~60 year old  man. This was a common occurance by the time I was 14, and by the time I was 15, I was so uncomfortable with it that I avoided him as much as possible. I don’t want to delve too deeply into such a personal and horrifying topic here in a public setting. Suffice it to say that this wasn’t the only thing going on, but at least everything that happened, did happen with clothes on.

Here’s the thing though – I didn’t realize that what he was doing was wrong. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought I was being sexual and sinful, and that I was dirty and that God would be mad at me.

One day, a woman (also Jehovah’s Witness) who had recently come to work there took me aside and asked me about it. I can’t tell you the relief I felt at finally talking to someone, and hearing that he was wrong, not me.

I took the matter to the elders of the congregation, told my mother, and told the man’s wife. The elders told me that they didn’t have anything to go on, which really trivialized my experience, and told me that what he had done was ok. My mother talked to the man’s wife, and reported back to me that the man was impotent, so there’s no way he could have done those things.

I quit talking or thinking about any of this after that. I, of course, quit working for him, I think just after I turned 16. My life has taken me many different places since then. I’m 33 years old. I’ve dealt with what that man did, as well as other worse things that happened to me when I was 3 – 6 years old. I’ve accepted that they’ve happened. Rarely, I feel a need to cry, to let the poison of the events out. Mostly now, when I think about it, I think back to the things that happened when I was really little, and realize that I couldn’t have stopped those things – I was way too little. But, I also think about what my boss as a teenager did, and even though I know on a logical level that those things weren’t my fault, I can’t help but feel guilt.

And so, what I needed to say is this: Hearing people talk about Garn and Maher, and reading the articles, I think that people are assuming that Maher was some little tramp that got what she deserved. And that horrifies me! Maher was a 15 year old girl who trusted this man who was a religious leader and employer – both positions of power. Even if she was a troubled girl, she was still a girl. Garn is guilty of molesting a child. And anyone who even wonders if Maher asked for it should be ashamed of themselves.

The paths that molested and abused children lead in life are often a result of the trauma they experienced, and some are able to get just the right help at just the right time, and lead normal, productive lives. Others aren’t so lucky. I can only imagine that Maher has wanted to get past this, and tried everything she knew of. My hope for her is that making this public will have a healing effect on her, and she can get past the troubles she’s had in her life, and not live the rest of her life trapped by events from 25 years ago.

And just one more thing – Kevin Garn is a sick and disgusting man. Ok, maybe two: I agree with Holly on the Hill that Speaker Clark needs to resign.

See, Jeff Bell, right?

I think I’m going to miss blogging about not smoking. It was kind of nice to vent here about all the little things that may or may not have been related to not smoking, like stresses and such. I’ve reached 3 full weeks without a cigarette. Wowsers! I’m pretty happy about that. I’m only a little surprised that this week didn’t make me break down and have one. As my roommate, Jill, said though – it would probably taste even nastier than I remember!

As I said last time – I was facing two big fears. The second one seems like cake after this week. The first one has been extremely trying, and sometimes I was ecstatic from thinking the worst was over and I’d accomplished what I needed to, but mostly it was stress and lots of driving and trying the next thing on the list to fix the problem. This whole week has been a blur, and I’m not really sure which way is up. I keep forgetting that I worked a whole day on Monday – it seems like my week started with Tuesday’s events. I have had a lot of support from friends, though. I can’t even begin to express my appreciation for my surrogate family here in Utah. Last night, Eric brought over Zombieland to get my mind off of things. I think those laughs were the first ones all week that didn’t verge on hysterical laughter (not counting Monday, of course – that was a lifetime ago, and certain wasn’t THIS week). Loved the movie! (Still not letting my children watch it, though!) (Also, Woody Harrelson really reminded me of JM Bell, especially at the beginning of Zombieland, in the truck) (Also – I’ve got more parenthesis than The Daily Blarg)

I’m looking forward to that 30 day mark – a whole month without a cigarette has been my target, and it’s going to be a great day! I doubt I’ll blog about not smoking again before then. It seems kind of pointless, because at this point, not even stress seems to be making me want to cave. I kind of think that each individual emotion on the scale of emotions had to be faced without a cigarette, and I suppose that maybe there are some to left to be experienced without a cigarette. But, this week’s highs and lows and fears seemed to have run the gamut, so I’m probably safe. I do kind of feel the need to shout from the rooftops what an amazing thing Chantix is, but I think I’ve already said so a few times here, so that would get repetitive.

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: I probably got a lot more respect from the people I had to deal with this week than I would have if I smelled like stale smoke.

Going 2 hours without a cigarette was a very annoying inconvenience, and once it was up to 3 hours, I was more than a little pissy. So – yeah – going 2 weeks without a cigarette is one helluva milestone for me. I can’t wait to see how good I feel about going a month, or 6 months or a year. Those lengths of time don’t seem quite as impossible right now as they did even a week ago.

So, I’ve been telling myself that if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. And tomorrow I’m going to face my two biggest fears, obstacles, hurdles…goals. One of them is something that just happened that I’m afraid of because if I don’t handle it right, there’s a lot that can go wrong. But, it can’t be put off, nor would I be able to live with myself if I did. The Other Issue is something I’ve been putting off for years, but once I face It, and get a handle on It, I will be on top of the world. I am going to face the Big, Bad Monster, and It’s not going to eat me alive if I stop ignoring It’s existence. I’ve tried 2 or 3 times before, but then I procrastinate actually DOING anything. This time I’m taking a different approach, and I know I can do it, in fact my very first step will get the ball rolling so fast, I won’t be able to procrastinate or ignore It again. And I have a friend waiting for my call if things get too scary.

I don’t want to talk about the details of these things publicly, at least not until they’re in the past (or maybe when I write a tell all book about myself). But, I wanted to talk about them at least a little, because I think that quitting smoking has given me an ability to face my fears that I didn’t have before. When facing this Second Monster in the past, or even thinking about It, I would run and smoke at least 10 cigarettes, and have panic attacks and generally be a miserable mess in a fetal position that couldn’t stand herself for being so weak. This time, it will be different. And once it’s taken care of, not only will my stress levels be lower, but I’ll have a huge accomplishment to be proud of AND I will be much closer to other goals I have in life.

I will admit to something else though – something deep inside of me is afraid that if I have all my shit together – smoking, money, life, mental health, kids, work, etc, etc – something is going to go really wrong. Not everything in life can be perfect all at once. (I didn’t say it was rational.)

So, enough with being cryptic.

I feel a bit silly posting every few days about not smoking, still. But, I think that it’s still helping me, and it’s therapeutic. I suppose I could leave this for my diary, but I have this secret hope that someone else out there is ready to quit smoking, and that maybe telling my story might give them that little push that they need. And if not, then at the very least, I’m making this public for myself, because it makes me feel just a little more accountable than if I didn’t. But, I really don’t like that my blog seems to be so centered around this, as of late. I guess maybe I can only fight one demon at a time, and right now the smoking demon is more important than the political one. Have no fear – I have found that I can’t avoid obsessing about politics for long. And primary season is just around the corner!

Today’s reason that I’m happy to be a nonsmoker: being broke sucks bad enough without trying to find the money for cigarettes, too. (Also, I was able to do a whole lot more chores around the house this weekend than I normally do, and to be honest, the quality time with the kids was probably a lot more than normal, too. So, overall, I’m probably coming out ahead on stress because I’m not smoking.)

Normally, I’d be very pleased with a medication giving me youthful skin, but my forehead looks like I hit puberty again, and I’m not very happy at all about that. I’m hoping that the tobacco toxins clearing from my body are the cause of it. Because if it’s the Chantix, I’m not looking forward to 5 more months of this. I’m going to give it a few more weeks, and if it doesn’t clear, I’ll go see the beauty counter at a local department store and see what they can do for me.

The other thing is – I am still having issues with the feeling of a lump in my throat, only it’s become a fairly constant thing for the last 2 – 3 days. And I really don’t think that it’s at all related to cravings anymore. I tried a Pepcid to see if maybe it was bad heartburn. That hasn’t helped. I’m going to try some sore throat remedies tonight and tomorrow, since there’s a sore throat virus going around my family, and the back of my throat has been hurting for the last few days, too. I know that having the feeling of a lump in your throat can be a physical symptom, as well as psychosomatic. I kind of thought it was a psychosomatic symptom, because up until this weekend, it was clearly associated with cigarette cravings, but it doesn’t seem that way anymore. Hopefully, it’s just the sore throat now, and the feeling is just similar.

One last note: I am returning to Radio Active on KRCL (90.9) Tuesday, March 9, at 6 PM for the “Twilight” of the 2010 Utah Legislature, for a return of the blogger gang. In preparation, I’m hoping to cover a few related topics here over the coming weekend, as well as next week, so that should provide a nice break in my Chantix ramblings.

Ok, a second last note: I can’t help but brag! Drake, my oldest, got straight A’s on his latest report card (I might have bragged about that last week). And I found out tonight that Preston did, too! Or will, if his one piece of missing work is in her pile that is missing names. Preston has had some big issues with behavior, and his teacher is a saint! She is working with him because he’s bored, and gives him a ton of extra work to do during his down time. Apparently, he’s tested at an 8th grade math level (he’s in 4th grade). And his favorite of the extra work activities is one he made up for himself – he uses a timer and races against the clock, either to complete 30 multiplication problems in 3 minutes, or each row of 5 in 30 seconds. I’m raising a little math geek! He asked me today to teach him Linear Equations (he didn’t know what it was called, but that’s what he described), because he thinks he knows how to solve them, but it “takes too long” and in the test he only had 3 minutes. Did I mention he’s in 4th grade?!? So, I’m going to have to relearn things I’ve forgotten in order to stay ahead of him. That’s a challenge I can’t help but love!

The rate is very cheap – most of them average about $6 per hour, and that includes gas. When you make a reservation, it even tells you the maximum price you’ll pay. I needed a truck to move the rather large tv, so it showed me a price of $4.95, with a guesstimate of $9 or so as the price I’d pay, with about $12 as the maximum. I merrily clicked the reserve button, and headed up to the University of Utah Stadium to pick the truck up.

The truck has only about 600 miles on it, and still has a bit of that new car smell. It made me want a new Jeep. The process was easy. I waved my U Car Share card over the windshield and the truck unlocked. I opened the glove box, and the key was waiting for me.

I didn’t expect that it would take more than an hour, so that was how long I reserved the truck for. There was a truck closer to me, but it was reserved for about half an hour, and I wasn’t sure it would be back in time, so I chose the truck at the U instead.

I was very happy with the experience until I received a call about 5 minutes after my reservation was over informing me that because I went past my reservation time, I’d be charged an extra $25 on top of the hourly rate.

I knew I’d be charged the hourly rate, but that didn’t bother me. I assumed that if I reserved it for 2 hours, and only used it for one, I’d still be charged for 2, and since the only other truck reservation showing on their site for the entire day was half an hour at the one at the Trax station, I didn’t stress over it.

I’m sure it’s in the fine print somewhere, but I’m pretty pissed right now. When I reserved the truck, at about 2:15, there were no other reservations, and so I reserved it from 3 to 4 pm. I’m afraid I’ll get another call telling me there will be a 2nd $25 fee, because it will be past 5 when I return it now. I’m waiting on a friend to help me get the tv out of the truck, and he’s much later than I had expected.

I might consider using U Car Share again, but I will be very wary of it. It was unexpected that I’d be this late, and while I understand the fee, you’d think that there would be a guide somewhere that makes this plain. None of it is mentioned in their “How it works” section of the web site, which I did read this morning. If it had been, I would have been more aware, and probably taken extra precautionary steps, and made a longer reservation in the first place. So, I’m unhappy right now, and I won’t be as likely to use U Car Share in the future, but I’m not swearing it off quite yet.

And this is little Jessica:

The adoption process takes years, and Lori and Brent were not sure how much longer it would take, until the earthquake hit. Because of the devastation in Haiti, the adoptions are being fast tracked a bit – or at least the children coming to live with their parents in the States, and the adoption papers will wait until later. Brent was able to fly to Port Au Prince with some others, and they are trying to bring about 70 children home to their families. That is all going well, and Brent as Nathan in his arms – the above photo was from this weekend.

But, Jessica is missing. Long story short, her birth father took her from the orphanage just before the earthquake, but then was trying to return her when it happened. They don’t know where she is, but Brent is trying to find her, and there is hope that she might be able to come home with Nathan and Brent on this trip.

There are a few challenges, though. For one thing, getting back is going to be expensive. Apparently, they were able to raise $10,000 to go towards the jet fuel that they have to pay for. But, there are a lot of other expenses that they are facing, too. And so I’m appealing to everyone who reads this – can you send $10 to help? Or $20? Or $100? Whatever you can do – it will make a distinct difference in the lives of these two children, and the other 60+ children from the orphanage that they will be bringing home to their new families. If you have it to spare, please go to their blog, and click the “Donate” link on the right, and you can donate through PayPal. Thanks to everyone for reading this, and for those of you that may decide to donate.

What amazing women both of them were! And what a treat to see them tell this story!

The before picture

Those giant sticky weeds you see were about 3 1/2 or 4 feet high by the time I got to it today. Most of the “lawn” was about waist high. I tackled it with the weedeater first, and then went over it with the lawnmower on mulch mode. I am thoroughly impressed with this lawnmower. Some of the stems of the weeds were thinker around than a half dollar coin, and the lawnmower ate right through them. I ended up letting Drake use the weedeater and the lawnmower. He was pretty thrilled about that, but he did wear out pretty quickly. As did I! My arms are shaky from all of the work!

I still have a long way to go before I have a decent backyard, but at least it’s tolerable, now:

After

In a couple of days, I’ll sprinkle Scott’s Turf Builder on it, and see if I can get rid of the weeds, and get grass to grow in the bare spots.

The front lawn looks fairly good, but I put Turf Builder on it today anyway. I also put a tomato plant in a pot on my front porch. Preston planted some flowers in small pots that are lining the steps of the front porch. I’m looking forward to planting more tomatoes after the Farmer’s Market opens and I can purchase some plants from there.

My neighbor, Ray, commented that I’m doing a lot of work for this just being a rental. But, I don’t look at it that way. For me, it’s a matter of being able to enjoy my yard, and my kids being able to play in it!

Empty landscape island

So, I’ve never really had to do much more than mow a lawn anywhere I have lived. I did try to grow some tulips, along with some veggies last year. It didn’t really turn out. Except the tulips, which Kaiser promptly ate as they bloomed.

However, I’m now in this wonderful neighborhood, with a giant back yard, and so much potential! The last person who lived here paid a service to mow the front lawn, but didn’t give it much more love than that. So, spring took me by surprise, with an overgrown lawn, and pretty much nothing in the front part of the island.

Unless you count the weeds!

Rose Bush 1

There are 5 rose bushes along the fence, but they hadn’t been trimmed back in years. I have no knowledge of how to care for rosebushes, but after getting some advice from my neighbor, and verifying it online, I was able to gain enough courage to trim the bushes way back. I’ve done 4 of them so far, and there’s one left to go.

Rose Bush 2 (Untrimmed)

I’d love to know what type of roses each of these are, so that I can research a little more to see if any of them need special care. But, until then, I’ll just cross my fingers, and hope I see some blooms this year.

In the meantime, I need to figure out what I’m going to do with all of the trimmings. They would take weeks, if not months, to dispose of using my trash can. Currently, they are piled in the RV parking area behind the fence. And as you’ll see, there’s more to come!

I have considered letting Kaiser gnaw them into nothingness, and he’s been very eager to help. But, I think that will take even longer!

Cumberland Raspberries

The island in the front curves around to the side of the yard, and surrounds the rosebushes. There’s also another island right up next to the front porch, with weeds and a tree in  it. Years ago, someone laid down weed barrier in all of it. I managed to remove the old weed barrier (and the weeds!) in about half of the front portion of the island, and planted 2 Cumberland (black) raspberry bushes in it. I’m guessing that I probably won’t get to eat any raspberries from this bush this year, but I can live with that. I do need to get some supports for them. I also plan to put marigolds around the edges, in hopes that they will keep other bugs away. And since slugs are attracted to marigolds, I’ll put copper pennies (or maybe copper strips, if they don’t get too expensive) around the very edge.

On the far side, I’d like to put something else, preferably something flowery. I considered sunflowers, but I don’t think they would get enough sun. So, I’m still thinking about what I want there.

Getting the weed barrier up wasn’t too bad, in and of itself. The difficult part was that much of the weeds were difficult, and tedious to remove. I moved the bark mulch off to the side and just kind of kept moving it as I went. There’s a ton of dirt mixed in with the bark, but I think it will settle to the bottom, and it doesn’t look bad.

The other bad part was that there used to be a tree in there, which had been cut down. The trees roots were all over underneath, and I had to pull them out.

Now, I’m still working on the front, and I don’t want to minimize the work that needs to be done. However, it’s nothing in comparison to the back yard.

3' Tall Sticky Weeds

Yeah, that’s my back yard. There are a few places where I think there is grass. But, it hasn’t been cared for in years, according to my neighbors. So, it will be quite the chore to get rid of this stuff, and get grass to grow.

So far, the plan is to use the weedeater to cut it down, then rake it over into the pile of rose and tree trimmings that are sitting beside the house, for disposal at a later time.

After that, I’m going to use Scott’s Turf Builder with weed killer and fertilizer. And pray.

Once the jungle is gone, I’m going to check into whether the vinyl siding is dead, or if it can be put back up.

I think that’s enough work to keep me busy in the evenings and on weekends for quite a while. So, I probably won’t be planting a vegetable garden anywhere. But, if I can keep this part under control, a veggie garden is definitely doable for next year. As a bonus, I now have a ton of chores for the munchkins!