Saintless

I really needed to watch something funny tonight. This little bit has entertained me and friends at my parties for years now. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Here are my favorite jokes from today across the web.

First up, of course, is Google. This one is a simple link on the main Google search page:

Introducing CADIE: a singular upgrade to your online life.

I do wish that Gmail Autopilot by CADIE were real, though. And next time you’re planning a family vacation, check out CADIE’s recommended places for humans. Make sure to check out Redmond, WA. Oh, and apparently, they’re pairing up with Alienware to produce a $100 laptop. The laptop has a built-in brain wave reading chip, with sensors that need to be applied onto the user’s skull via USB port.

If you have a gPhone, you can try out Google’s new brain seraching technology, only available via mobile. Any idea how long I’ve been begging for Google to index my brain? And I bet that pairs nicely with Ford’s new Android Car.

Apparently, there’s a new ball released in Australia called the gBall. Meanwhile, in Africa, Goog Town is opening.

ThinkGeek has a whole newsletter full, but I am loving the Unicorn Chaser drink. Don’t forget to watch the video.

Pirate Bay announced they’d sold out to Warner Bros.

The Invisible Shirt was amusing.

And because there aren’t enough Twitter rumors and jokes the rest of the year, here’s another. Make Magazine gives you the code to add 141 characters to Twitter.

Although I generally stay far away from Apps on Facebook, the “We’re Related” one has some goodies. @homerj79 and @TheDax, among others, reported Barack Obama confirming them as cousins. Ivonna Earnest discovered that her husband is her third cousin. I wonder who I’d find out I’m related to?!

One of my favorite tweets for the day, from @markie28:

Snow? Nice April Fool’s prank, Mother Nature. Jokes on you though, I’m using styrofoam cups all day long today. HA!

The Save IE 6 petition was truly horrifying.

Apparantly, Guardian is downsizing. From paper to Twitter:

A mammoth project is also under way to rewrite the whole of the newspaper’s archive, stretching back to 1821, in the form of tweets. Major stories already completed include “1832 Reform Act gives voting rights to one in five adult males yay!!!”; “OMG Hitler invades Poland, allies declare war see tinyurl.com/b5x6e for more”; and “JFK assassin8d @ Dallas, def. heard second gunshot from grassy knoll WTF?”

Reddit.com‘s site redesign is pretty good.

Expedia.com is offering $99 trips to Mars. And Hotels.com is offering lunar accomodations.

Woot.com had a Bag of Crap, but had changed the shipping price to $1,000,000.

So far from Microsoft, I’m finding the Automatic Mood Detector for Messenger. There’s also The String or the Cat: A New .NET Framework Library:

For years applications have been built that accept user input. Most user input starts out as a string. Strings are a universal representation of arbitrary data coming into a computer. However, most data does not remain as a string for very long. User input often ends up getting parsed or converted into another data type, such as an integer, Boolean value, or a date.

The concepts presented here are based on a thought experiment proposed by scientist Erwin Schrödinger. While an understanding of quantum physics will help to understand the new types and APIs, it is not required.

Some woman somewhere is pretending that she has absolutely no sexual attraction to Neil Gaiman. Which is just one of the most blatant untruths ever, because that’s just not possible.

Whole Foods is selling organic air for $6.99 for .02 oz.

GreenFeet.com has such offerings as a solar powered microwave, a tree hugging jacket, and a belly button lint kit. Along with a coupon for free shipping, which looks to be real.

Qualcomm has some interesting “creatures” helping out with wireless networks, including the crocodeagle and the sharkfalcon.

I’ll update this in a few hours with the rest of what I find. If I’m missing any good ones, please let me know in the comments!

Update: Google Chrome now comes in 3D.

HowStuffWorks explains Rechargeable Gum and Permanent Kittens.

Toshiba is releasing the PetBook for your dog, and apparently it’s slobber resistant.

And apparently, Neil Gaiman is being considered for sainthood.

For a more local flavor, check out KVNU’s announcement that they’re being syndicated. Or JM Bell’s list of favorite pranks, including getting married.

Warner Bros. announced a new sequel to the Matrix series.

NIN released a new album, Strobe Light, which you just really have to read about. Just make sure you scroll down a tiny bit, so you don’t have a seizure.

Ok, that’s it for now. More in a bit.

Update 2: Fox cancels Joss Whedon.

Ok, that’s all, folks. I didn’t find any other good ones, and it’s time to head up to Logan for PostSecret.

Tags: April Fools

This is SO getting posted at work!

This was from an email that I received, and I am not finding the original source and it turns out that it came from The Daily Show With Jon Stewart – video below. I’ll be happy to credit the author if anyone knows.

At the close of Mr. Bush’s Presidency, we’d like to give a moment of thanks for all the folks who made it such an interesting time. Here’s your credits for the last 8 years.

Written and directed by: Karl Rove

Cast in Order of Appearance:
Decider - George W. Bush
Actual President - Richard Cheney
Mr. Cheney’s Attempts at Human Emotion by - Industrial Light & Magic
Decider’s Wife - Laura Bush
Decider’s Actual Wife - Condoleezza Rice

The Supreme Court 
John Roberts
Samuel Alito
Clarence Thomas
Antonin Scalia
Anthony Kennedy
William Rehnquist
Sandra Day O’Connor
…and some other people who don’t matter

Prop Master - Gen. Colin Powell
Evildoer - Osama bin Laden
Mr. Bin Laden’s Stand-in - Saddam Hussein

Guantanamo Detainees - [censored by order of the Department of Homeland Security]

Heckuva-Job Doer - Mike Brown

Best Boy - Gen. David Patraeus
Worst Boy - Richard Clarke

Iraq Location Team
Second Unit Director - Donald Rumsfeld
Location Scout - Paul Wolfowitz
Iraq Extras Casting - Pal Bremer
Additional Material by - Ahmad Chalabi
Abu Ghraib Sequences Directed by - Donald Rumsfeld A few bad apples
Guantanamo bay Sequences Directed by - Dick Cheney a few other bad apples
John Bolton’s Mustache Wrangler - John Bolton

Unit Publicists -
Sean Hannity
Steve Doocy
Bill O’Reilly
Brian Kilmeade
Greta Van Susteren
Glenn Back

Undercover CIA Agent - Valerie Plume Ooops…sorry. Forget we mentioned it.

Stenographer - Judith Miller

Scapegoat provided by - I. Lewis Libby

Shrapnel Collector - Harry Whittington

Reporters -
Stretch
Super-stretch
Little Stretch
Hammy
Slick
Tiny
Ox
Moose
Helen Thomas

Coalition of the Willing -
England
Austrailia
Estonia
Lithuania
Slovakia
Tonga

Coalition of the Unwilling -
Everybody Else

Pooty-poot - Vladmir Putin

Executive Boob Coverer - John Ashcroft

Rich Uncle Pennybags - Henry Paulson

Chief of Stuff - Joshua Bolten

The Truth Squad -
Ari Fleischer
Scott McClellen
Dana Perino
Tony Snow

Sweat Hog (Uncredited) - Scott McClellan

Key Grip - Lynndie England

Promotional Considerations Paid by - Haliburton
Additional Dialogue - Roger Ailes
Gaffer - Douglas Feith

Songs
“I (don’t recall) Remembering to Recall”
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY
Alberto Gonzales

“Let the Eagle Soar”
WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY
John Ashcroft

“I am the Decider”
WRITTEN BY
Karl Rove
PERFORMED BY
George W. Bush

SOUNDTRACK AVAILABLE:
Inside your head for the rest of your life

Mr. Bush’s suits courtesy of BOTANY 5000

Mr. Cheney’s suits courtesy of the Filipino women locked in his basement

BOTCHED ON LOCATION IN WASHINGTON, IRAQ, and NEW ORLEANS

SPECIAL THANKS TO: 537 confused elderly voters in Florida

So, a certain well known woman walked into the Utah Democratic Headquarters last week, and asked Todd Taylor if he’d “heard what that blog bitch did”. Of course well all know she must have meant me! I’m Utah’s only female political “blog bitch”, right?

Todd was telling me the story, and I wondered what I’d done to her, when he pointed out she was mispronouncing “Blagojevich”.

I say we don’t let people with weird names on ballots anymore, to avoid this sort of confusion.

I grew up next door to Eureka Springs, and I’ve always loved the town. I really hope to go back there on a romantic trip with a lover some day, and this video makes me want that even more!

I’d love to see the video they’re advertising here. I thought this was a snarky video when I http://wonkette.com/404640/prepare-for-gay-invasion-redneck-america!

more charts

David Sedaris

October 20th, 7:30 pm

David Sedaris, NPR humorist and best-selling author visits  downtown Salt Lake City!  With sardonic wit and incisive social critiques, David Sedaris has become one of America’s pre-eminent humor writers. The great skill with which he slices through cultural euphemisms and political correctness proves that Sedaris is a master of satire and one of the most observant writers addressing the human condition today.  David Sedaris is the author of the bestsellers Barrel Fever and Holidays on Ice, as well as collections of personal essays, Naked, Me Talk Pretty One Day, and Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, each of which became immediate bestsellers. More Information: www.arttix.org Tickets: $24.75-42.75 Call 355-ARTS or visit www.arttix.org  Location: Abravanel Hall (123 West South Temple)

My good friend Mark gave me a copy of Sedaris’ book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames for my birthday this year. It was a great read, and I am excited that Sedaris will be here. Sadly, I don’t think I can make it to this event. However, if any of you go, please let me know. I’d love to hear about it after you go!

Alt: “I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audio book playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music I have paid for.”

I’ve quit posting the new xkcd comics, because I figure you probably all subscibe to them already. But, I couldn’t resist this one:

And the alt text… “We didn’t even get to the continued fractions!”

I figured I needed a break from the politics…